Leslie Rohonczy | June 2024
Finding Your '-Ness': The Journey to Your True Self
I get to work with some pretty amazing people every day, each on their own unique and personal journey of self-discovery and evolution. In our fast-paced, success-driven world, it's easy to get caught up in thinking that our external achievements, titles, and accolades are what defines us. However, there's a deeper, more profound definition of ourselves that beckons us all—the journey to find our '-ness'. This concept can be elusive, but it is the essence of who we truly are; our soul; our intrinsic self. It takes practice, patience, and a lifetime of exploration, but it's a journey worth undertaking. In fact, some would argue (me, for one) that this hero’s journey is the one that matters most.
What is '-Ness'?
'-Ness' is a term that encapsulates the core of your being; the authentic self that exists beyond societal roles, expectations, and superficial layers. It's your unique combination of passions, values, strengths, talents, gifts, and quirks. Think of it as your soul’s personal fingerprint—distinctive, irreplaceable, and uniquely you.
For example, my own ‘Leslie-ness’ is related to creativity, empathy, and emotional intelligence. It makes me good at helping people understand their own wiring; at inspiring them to try something new; and at helping them to feel ‘seen’ and understood. My husband’s ‘Imre-ness’ is connected to planning, making others feel safe, and by being in service. How would you describe your own ‘-ness’?
Finding our '-ness' means connecting with our core self, below persona, beyond our title and training, to the deepest place that guides our beliefs, actions, decisions, and interactions. Consider other ‘-ness’ words: 'kind-ness,' 'bold-ness,' 'happi-ness,' and 'calm-ness'—each represents a state, or quality of being, that comes from within.
Your '-ness' is the sum of the authentic traits that blend together to form the essence of your true self. And finding your '-ness' means identifying and embracing those unique qualities and states of being.
When I’m coaching a client who wants to connect to his sense of purpose (let’s call him ‘Steve’), I’ll ask “what is your ‘Steve-ness’?” as a playful way to get him to tell me about himself; to better understand his gifts, how he sees himself, what he values about himself, and how he wants others to see him in return. -Ness is a valuable tool for us both!
The Lifelong Journey Within
For most of us, discovering our '-ness' is not an instant revelation, but rather, a gradual process that unfolds over a lifetime. It requires introspection, self-awareness, and a willingness to face both our light and shadow sides. The journey within can be exhilarating! It can also be challenging. And sometimes it’s both at the same time! But every step we take to discover and define our ‘-ness’ brings us closer to it.
1. Introspection and Self-Reflection
The first step in finding our '-ness' is introspection. This means setting aside time for self-reflection, away from the noise and distractions of everyday life. It involves reflecting on powerful questions: What truly matters to me? What are my core values? What activities bring me joy and fulfillment? What gifts do I value most in myself? Journaling, meditation, and spending time in nature can be powerful tools to guide this introspective process. And if these self-directed activities aren’t your jam, and you feel the need for more structured support, it can be powerful to work with a coach to help you dig deep.
2. Embracing Vulnerability
One of the most essential aspects of discovering your ‘-ness’ throughout this journey is embracing vulnerability. That means being honest with yourself about your fears, weak-nesses, and past mistakes. It’s about acknowledging that you are a work in progress and that it's okay to be imperfect. The renowned vulnerability researcher, Brené Brown, says in her book "Daring Greatly", that embracing our vulnerabilities is the path to greater creativity, innovation, and connection with others.
3. Listening to Your Inner Voice
In our busy lives, we often ignore our inner voice—the quiet, persistent whisper that guides us towards our true path. This inner voice is the manifestation of our '-ness'. Learning to listen to and trust this ‘knowing’ requires mindful-ness and a conscious effort to tune out external pressures and expectations. Practice mindful-ness meditation to help sharpen this inner listening.
4. Living Authentically
As you become more attuned to your '-ness', the next step is to look for more opportunities to live authentically in your ‘-ness’. This means aligning your actions and decisions with what allows you to be the most authentic version of yourself possible. It might involve making difficult choices, such as changing careers, ending relationships, or pursuing a path that others might not understand or accept. Authentic living is not about conforming to societal norms; it’s about honoring your unique essence.
5. Continuous Growth and Learning
Finding our '-ness' is not a one-time achievement; it’s an ongoing journey. As you grow and evolve, so will your understanding of your true self. This requires a commitment to continuous learning and self-improvement. When we stay curious, embrace new experiences, and are open to change, each new experience becomes an opportunity to discover more about ourselves.
The Rewards of Finding Your '-ness'
The journey to finding your '-ness' is challenging, but the rewards are profound. When you connect with your true self, you experience a sense of peace, purpose, and fulfillment that cannot be achieved through external accomplishments alone. Your relationships become more genuine; your work feels more meaningful; your life evolves to be more aligned with your deepest values.
Helping Others on Their Journey
As an executive coach, one of my most rewarding roles is to guide others on their journey to finding their '-ness'. I encourage my clients to explore their inner landscapes, name and confront fears, and embrace their authentic selves. Through this process, they not only become better leaders, but also more fulfilled individuals.
Finding your '-ness' is not the end of the journey; it’s the beginning. Your ‘-ness’ becomes the foundation upon which you can build a life of true purpose and joy. It’s about being who you are meant to be, evolving and growing into your potential, and living a life that reflects your deepest truths. As you embark on this lifelong journey, remember that every step, no matter how small, brings you closer to your true self.
Embrace the most important journey of your life – the one within. It is the only journey worth taking, and it is where the real adventure begins.
If you’re interested in discovering your '-ness' with the support of a certified Integral Master Coach™, reach out for a free consultation. I’d be happy to guide you through the transformative process that leads to greater self-aware-ness, authenticity, and fulfillment.